In the last thirty minutes, the year 2010 has faded into history and 2011I has taken the stage. I was reflecting earlier on where I was this time two years ago (several months before Naomi's death began our journey into the worold of pregnancy loss) and one year ago (rejoicing in a negative biopsy report and remembering our second loss, Kyria). Last year, I couldn't wait to leave 2009 behind and all of the hurt and grief it represented. The year 2010 seemed to hold such promise - surely it couldn't be worse than the year we had just finished! Have you ever felt that way?
Now I find myself feeling the same way about 2011. A new year, full of hope and possibilities. But also full of memories, and I am caught in the middle - between wanting to move forward into the future God has for me and my family, and not wanting to forget my babies in heaven, who are permanently in the past. The new memories I make in 2011 will not include them, except as we bring the memory of their brief lives into what we do.
I've also been reminded that my hope can't be in the freshness of a year with less than an hour under its belt. There is nothing magical about the clock striking 12 or opening a new calendar. I am the same person, with the same life, the same grief, the same wishes...and the same Savior. Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever. I am heading into a time of year that triggers a lot of memories as we approach the second anniversary of Naomi's death, and my hope this year is that as I walk through those memories, I will be clinging tightly to my Savior's nail-scarred hand and allowing Him to comfort me.
Especially for those of you who can't wait to leave 2010 behind, my prayer for you is the same. The first year after a loss is hard as it is full of anniversaries and the "first ____ without" (you fill in the blank). May God tenderly hold you as you walk those steps and lead you into His light and hope.
1 comment:
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