Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Remembering Jordan Gabriel

Today would have been my due date with Jordan.  Strange that a baby who lived inside me for about a week would have such a huge impact on my life -- and yet, not so strange.  To quote the elephant Horton, "A person's a person, no matter how small."  Personhood in God's eyes is not measured by size and the impact of a life is not measured by days.  For the rest of my life, February 2 will have a bittersweet ring to it. 

Jordan is the one who made me a mommy of four, who gave me the gift of a positive pregnancy test before the age of 40.  I have no way of knowing if he was a boy or a girl, but we keep leaning toward calling him "him". 

The world of medicine would shrug him off as a "chemical pregnancy" and would minimize his life by using the words "very early" to describe the miscarriage I had.  I was even advised at the time not to use early pregnancy tests anymore - so as not to know?  But not knowing does not change the fact that he lived and that, for a brief time, I was expecting and imagining the life my baby would lead and what kind of big sister my daughter would be. I mourn and grieve the loss...but I also celebrate the life he lived here, in my womb, and the life he lives now, in the presence of God.  My loss, heaven's gain....Jordan's gain. 


Tammy said...

I didn't see your blog post till today. I'm sorry for the pain the day held. (((hugs)))

I need to remember this: "My loss, heaven's gain....Jordan's gain". I know my baby is in heaven but I forget how much joy my baby has in the presence of the Lord!

brooke said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience here. It has been healing for me.