Am I A Mother?

Often, people don’t realize how difficult Mother’s Day can be for so many: those who have lost their mothers, who have a strained relationship with their mothers or with their children, those with children who have made poor choices, those who are dealing with infertility – and for those who have had a pregnancy loss, especially if they have no other living children.  They may ask, “Am I a mother?”  Am I a mother if I am not raising my child?  If I never got to hold my baby?  If I have no physical evidence that my child existed beyond a positive home pregnancy test?  If my children died as embryos in an IVF clinic before they were even placed in my womb?  Am I a mother?

If this is where you are at, here are a few suggestions for surviving, and even celebrating, Mother’s Day this year:

1. Realize that yes, you are a mother.  Your child may not be with you physically, but he or she was alive from the moment of conception.  Your life was changed from the moment your child came into existence, and it will never be the same again.
2. Plan for positive activities.  If you can, focus on celebrating your own mother.  You may also choose to celebrate the life of your baby in heaven with a balloon release or a private candle-lighting ceremony.  Plan an enjoyable activity with your husband, one you can look forward to.
3. Protect your heart.  Especially if your heart is raw from a recent loss, don’t put yourself in circumstances that will pour salt on that raw wound.  If your church makes a big deal of Mother’s Day with baby dedications or distributing flowers to mothers, you can stay home or plan a different kind of worship that day.  It’s okay, really.
4. If you have living children, consider how you will answer the question, “How many children do you have?”  It’s not a betrayal to just mention your living children.  It’s also okay to say something along the lines of, “One on earth, three in heaven.”
5. Remember that for most people, Mother’s Day is simply a day to celebrate.  They aren’t intentionally overlooking you or minimalizing your grief.  This will not remove your hurt, but remembering it can help you not to take it as personally.

If you are a family member of someone preparing for Mother’s Day in the shadow of pregnancy loss, I encourage you to read the article, “What Grieving Moms want for Mother’s Day” for some ideas of how to gently reach out to and encourage your loved one. You may also send a loved one a free Healing Hearts e-card specifically designed for pregnancy and infant loss.

If you are a pastor planning your Mother’s Day service, please consider how to make your church activities of that day sensitive to those for whom it is a difficult day, keeping in mind that 1 out of 6 couples deal with infertility on some level, and that at least one-fourth of all pregnancies end in loss, a topic addressed in this open letter to pastors.  Those in the church often speak of motherhood and fatherhood as “God’s highest calling” – a tantalizing and frustrating target that seems out of reach to many.   A simple mention of this from the pulpit or in a prayer goes a long way toward helping such couples feel included, their pain acknowledge and valued.

A month for us to remember

It seems like every cause out there has its own month these days.  Take October, for instance.  October is the Awareness Month for Breast Cancer, Down Syndrome, Domestic Violence, AIDS, Hispanic Heritage, Jazz, Child Abuse, and Cyber Security, among others.  But this is also our month, for parents of babies in heaven.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  It was so named by President Reagan in 1988, and since 2001, both Congress and State governors have regularly recognized October 15 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  The official "ribbon" for PAIL Awareness Month is pink on one side and blue on the other.  October 15th is often marked with remembrance walks, memorial services, and candlelighting in memory of the babies who left this earth far too soon.  You can find out information about activities in your area at http://www.october15th.com/.  If you live in Columbia, come to the Heart and Hands Forever Memorial Walk at Riverfront Park this Sunday.  If there are no events near you, consider having your own candlelight ceremony, as a couple, or with friends and family, and know that thousands of other parents are lighting candles and remembering their babies with you.  You are not alone!